As I sat with my father in law while he was preparing to leave this earth, a close, longtime neighborhood friend sent me the poem below that he had recently received from a friend thinking it would help me through my experience. ..This Poem is by Brandon, a 16 year old boy who worked for and was mentored by a man named Bill. Bill died from cancer on Nov 25, 2013. Just 2 months to the day before my father in law's death. Bill, who was integral in the founding of housing programs in Tulsa Oklahoma for those with mental health issues, was a great planner, a visionary, a teacher and a mentor to so many, including Brandon.Brandon had not expressed his feelings of grief around his mentor's death until his English teacher had the class write on a topic that was important to them for an essay assignment. Brandon chose to write about his good friend and mentor and the impact his friendship and subsequent death has had on him. Brandon not only received a 108% on his paper, he received lovely words of comfort and sympathy from his teacher.
WOW. To risk sharing something SO deeply with your English teacher and to have her appreciate the content and intention of the essay is special..
WOW. To risk sharing something SO deeply with your English teacher and to have her appreciate the content and intention of the essay is special..
So many lines in Brandon's poem touched me but three were profound. 1) was his insight into just being an attentive person for Bill to share his stories with......at 16 to go and sit with Bill in the rough spots of his illness not shying away from this one on one experience amazed me. 2) Bill knowing in himself when he was done with chemo and the traditional treatments and sharing that honestly and openly with Brandon. So many would not do this with their peers much less with a 16 year old. BILL teaches all of us more about HOW to walk our last experiences on earth with authenticity. 3) EMPTY..the title of the poem..........When I was working in long term care in a facility with 160 residents I walked by so many rooms with an empty chair beside the bed of the resident. I used that visual The Empty Chair as a way to recruit volunteers to come and just be, listen, chat with the residents who had family far away and rarely were seen. Empty...........I think it is a word worth exploring off and on as we LIVE our life with the joy we put into it. There are joys that come from this type of journey.
Something I shared often even with the clergy that were a part of my spiritual care team at work as this:
IF WE DON'T SHOW OTHERS ESPECIALLY THOSE WE LOVE AND ARE FRIENDS WITH HOW TO SPEND TIME WITH THOSE GROWING OLD.....VALUE THEM....... IN LONG TERM CARE FACILITIES, OR THOSE AT END OF LIFE AND WALK AWAY FEELING WE HAVE GIVEN SOMETHING POSITIVE TO THEM AND ALSO EXPLORE THE GOOD THEY HAVE GIVEN US....IN THE CONNECTION. WHO IS GOING TO COME AND VISIT US WHEN WE ARE IN A ROOM WITH 'THE EMPTY CHAIR'............
I toss this out not to make any of us feel guilty about what we have left undone....or felt we couldn't do.....but just to begin the dialogue with ourselves and others to see if we can grow our courage and our compassion to make those tougher connections with those we have loved and cared about while they were young, vibrant and healthy and journey with them when things aren't so 'pretty' on the outside........but man oh man can you gain alot of special moments from what appears from the inside........of both of you. Tears will probably come. but remember words are just so optional.....just BEING there for a bit is the best medicine for the souls of two people who care about one another.
I know..................I've been there. and my emptiness........becomes full of memories:)
Below is Brandon's Poem.
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It is the definition of true pain. It is an experience that everyone goes through, and no one can escape. It makes us feel empty and alone inside. It shows us the true meaning of life and everything that is important. If you are lucky, this will rarely occur in your life. I am describing the experience of the loss of human life.
Having something taken away that one has had, or the being of without something, is the dictionary definition of the word “loss”. The real definition of true loss is unbearable pain, unforgettable regret, and unending joy.
He was my boss, my mentor, my friend. The news was devastating; at sixty-nine years of age, William D. “Bill” Packard was diagnosed with lung cancer. He chose to fight with the help of chemotherapy and Bill and all of his loved ones were given a ray of hope. He was such a strong man, yet so weak. When he realized that the therapy was not doing as much good as he had hoped, Bill told me, “It’s not looking good, Brandon.” A few weeks later, on November 5th, 2013, the fight was over.
The news struck me like a lightning bolt. I never realized how much of an impact he had on my life. The pain that came with losing someone who has made such an impact on my life was unbearable. I felt empty, as if I were a puzzle, and once I had lost someone who was so important in my life, major pieces were taken out of me. I felt pain from the loss that cut a hole inside my heart knowing that the piece that I have lost will never return.
Death is also unforgettable regret. I could have called one last time, knowing that any day he could be that lost puzzle piece; I could have told him how much he meant to me. A true loss makes us reflect and remember all the moments we spent working together; the time flew past as we talked. I can remember his enthusiastic voice, telling me the stories of past events in his life that always ended in a lesson. True loss makes us think on all the things that could have been done to help win the fight. I feel that I could have done something to prevent him from smoking. When in reality, there is nothing that I could do to stop him or the inevitable death. True loss makes us miss all the small things that we remember… like his stories, and makes us regret that we did not spend more time with the person that was too dear to us.
True loss is unending joy. In remembering all of the things that could have been done or said, I also remember all of the good times there were. Some days while working I felt that the only reason that he had me there was so that he could have someone to tell his stories to. He was the best storyteller. When reflecting on all the times that we had together, it makes me feel thankful. I was lucky. Few people had the opportunity that I had to spend so much time with Bill and to learn the definition of hard work, and how to become a great man. A true loss knows that the person that means so much to you is away from the pain that this world offers, but is in the comforts of our joyful Lord.
When reflecting on the loss that I have had to overcome, I do feel insufferable hurt and enduring discomfort, but with those, I also feel eternal comfort. In the end, it does not matter how much grief and suffering I have to go through, because I know that the incredible person that I have known is in the greatest place imaginable. And for that, I am joyful.
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Bloggles the mind...............especially on the "off road trips' .
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