I am shocked that someone I've never met has described me so well in the article I have added below.
Yes. I had many circuses and many monkeys of my own (but didn't see them till I got rid of other's circuses I'd collected over the years)
I share the following article with you in hopes it helps reveal to you how to deal with those of us inclined to create circuses........(some of us also add other animals along with our monkeys too).....as well as possibly reveal to you that YOU are the ringleader of other's circuses and it's time to retire those and deal with yours.
Fortunately, Joe was a very strong Ring Master and ignored all my 'flying monkeys'...and trust me I tried to coerce him even with FREE tickets! At times he just literally "left the ring"!!! always to return at the end of the day :) and he gave the kids permission to do so as well. This I see now as fortunate, because it left me with me. Had they joined my circuses I am sure the "tent" would have come down! I still create a 'circus' now and again, rarely have anyone in attendance and soon see how much energy it takes to run it on my own. SO for the most part, I've retired from Circus Life!
ENJOY!!!
By: Dr. Christine MaJeran(Chiropractor/Life Coach Moose Jaw, SK)
I recently came across a Polish saying that, translated, says, "Not my circus, not my monkeys" Meaning, "Not my problem." I love this. Love it! I need to get T-shirts made and start handing them out. This needs to become the new mantra of a lot of people I know, myself included, sometimes.
All to often, we get caught up in other people's circuses. We get sucked into the ongoing office drama, the he said, she said, or a problem between family members. We find ourselves in the middle of someone else's circus and then complain that the monkeys are throwing their feces.
How does this happen? And why are some people monkey magnets?
If you're one of those people who always seems to get 'dragged into' other people's drama, ask yourself why. Why are you letting yourself? Why do you put yourself in the middle of drama between friends, coworkers, family members? And yes, I said "Put yourself in the middle" because that's the only way that can happen.
If you are 'in the middle" of anyone else's drama, it is because you decide that you would allow it. No one can put you there against your will.
You are a grown-up, with a grown-up brain, and access to grown up emotions. You always have the option of taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions, including staying out of it.
So what are you getting out of it? Because I promise you, you're getting something out of it. You complain that it disrupts your work day when your co-worker stops by to complain about her husband or another co-worker or her diet, but you listen anyway. AGAIN.
You say you're really tired of being the referee between your mother and your sister but there you are, suiting up in the black and white stripes. AGAIN.
Maybe it's the feeling of being needed, maybe it's the ego boost that you're a trusted confideante. Or maybe it makes you feel better about yoru own life since, hey, at least your marriage isn't that bad or at least you're not the one having the problems with that co-worker.
Too oten, though, drama magnets invite drama into their lives as a distraction. Anything to avoid dealing with their own stuff.
In this case, it's not your circus, not your monkeys, but you believe that your circus and your monkeys are too scary, too painful, too hard to deal with.
It's easier to fill your time, to focus your energy, to 'be so busy' with someone else's circus. In the meantime, your monkeys are running wild!
People-pleasers and approval seekers stay in the drama for another reason. They believe that if they don't listen, if they don't stay involved, someone won't like them. But if you're a people pleaser, you are constantly walking the tightrope.
Trying to say the right thing, in the right way at the right time to the right person....it's exhausting. And also impossible.
When presented with someone else's drama, most people pleasers think, "If I don't try to help, they won't like me anymore!" and feel they have to try to appease everyone.
If it's a situation where you friend or colleague is truly looking for a sounding board or some advice, by all means, help out if you can and if you want to.
That's not the kind of drama I'm referring to. But even in this situation, remind yourself that you can never know what is best for someone else.
We may think we have all the answers. But we don't. Even if you've been through a very similar situation, your answers aren't their answers. Of course, you can offer your perspective. Of course, you can share what happened in your life. But everyone has their own path, their own journey to take. We can never know the purpose of someone else's struggle.
But if someone in your life is being a drama queen and you no longer wish to participate, remind yourself "not my circus, not my monkeys' and set some boundaries. A boundary is a request with a consequence, but the consequence is not for the other person. Boundaries are for you, not for them. It's not about manipulating or controlling others. Boundaries are not set to get someone else to change their behavior. A boundary is a way you take care of yourself and it can always be set from a place of peace.
So for example, you can say to your sister who is always trying to drag you into her drama with your mother, "I understand that you're upset, but you need to work on your issues with mom and leave me out of it. I love you both and I'm not getting involved. Ifyou continue to bring this up with me over and over I will have to hang up the phone (or leave)."
This lets the other person know that they are welcome to continue to behave in whatever way they want, but you will change your behavior (by leaving, by walking away, by hanging up, by no longer participating) in order to take care of yourself. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Setting a boundary is an act of self-care. If you don't set boundaries with people who are constantly trying to get you to run away and join their circus, you will end up enabling them and creating a co-dependent relationship full of resentment. "When you don't have clear boundaries, you willingly accept the consequences of other people's behavior" (Brooke Castillo).
Every time you allow someone to pull you into their circus, you are willingly accepting any of the monkey feces thrown your way.
So remember, the next time you feel yourself being sucked into the drama, repeat after me: "Not my circus, not my monkeys." And then go tend to your own!
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