Some of you
are aware I have been on an almost 2 year journey with my in laws as they began
declining at 91 and 86 in the spring of 2012.
Before I attempt to share this journey, I need to start at the
beginning……I can hear you saying OH NO….Ginny is starting at the beginning AGAIN I don't have time for this!!!! My hope is this
will be a Tuesday post for a bit as I try to connect some dots and challenge
us all to go to places we may have no desire today to go…….or think we are not qualified
to go or “we might catch it” “whatever “it” is for us. My hope is we explore the “its” and not stuff
them down inside us out of fear of feeling anything but HAPPY.
First, I
must give thanks to my mom for allowing me to be exposed to life experiences around dying at a very young
age. It began when her father died days
after turning 60 of a massive heart attack. At this time his brothers/sisters (6)
and 5 having spouses were all alive as well. These were all great aunts/uncles to me and
when my Papa died I was just 3. I
remember a house full of people talking about him and it is said I went around
telling everyone to stop talking about him because “he isn’t here” . Ah the
innocence of children. It goes without
saying I began attending lots of family funerals that carried forward into the 80’s. I have
fond memories of gatherings, hearing stories of times with the person who had
died and laughter mixed with tears and yes some good old unhealthy family
dynamics at times BUT it is all a part of the tapestry of who I am today….some
threads just naturally appearing and most found through that archeological dig
I refer to. (remember the back of tapestry is different than the front we are usually attracted to but just as lovely if appreciated for what it is)
Having grown
up in small town Osage County, my mom was good friends with one of the Osage
Chiefs. We used to visit him frequently just to see how he was doing and I
remember him being fond of children. I was probably 7 and when he died we were
asked to come to the Wake. I remember
mom saying “you must be very quiet while inside out of respect for his life but
when we leave you can ask questions about anything that you saw or didn’t
understand.” At this wake, I saw my
first dead person in a casket in full Indian dress/headdress and all. Trust
me I had questions when we got to the car!
We lived at
the edge of town in a very old house that bordered a wooded area with some
large rocks up on a small dirt hill.
Back in the day……..as we say now…….we played outside ALL the time. We would find dead birds and things
often. As I reflect on this time of life
it is not a surprise I am where I am today in regards to feeling comfortable
with those entering end of life stages………especially the elderly. As
children do, we would take dead things, birds mostly, to my mom and show her and soon she came out
with a box that we could put the bird in.
We would get a shovel and I remember either getting the Episcopal Book
of Common Prayer or mom maybe giving it to us and off we (brother about 4 yrs
old and 3 other neighborhood friends
from across the street all no older than 8-9) would go to the hill and bury the
bird and go through the funeral liturgy from the Book of Common Prayer. Of course I was the one doing all the reading………No
surprise there. Right?
Soon after
the ‘service’ we were back on our bikes or playing dolls or whatever was the
norm of the day in the neighborhood. I don’t recall ever discussing this after
the burials. I don’t think it sent us
over the edge in a bad way and I again thank my mom for giving us the idea, the
permission to explore this and all without HER control or involvement in our
exploring except I guess to answer any questions we had. One of her gifts was
speaking very openly and real about death when it presented itself in our lives.
Even her own before it was kosher to do so.
We moved to
the big city when I was 10 and this childhood animal funeral experience stopped
though the family ones did not. As
happens life took a different course but I’m reminded how all our experiences
continue with us and surface when needed or when we need to explore them
further down the road. It was not until my move in 2000 where I currently live that
this childhood experience resurfaced and grew into my getting education and
experience in the end of life setting.
I saw my
mom, an only child, take on the caregiver role in our family filled with
elderly aunts and uncles as well as caring for her own mother who went into a
nursing home far too early in her mid 60’s dying at 69. I know
now my mom did amazingly good, kind things for these family members but not
without a cost to herself and to our family.
It has taken me a long time to learn how to carry forward the gifts of
care giving for those we love without
losing myself and ‘being needed in a needy way” and remaining present to my
immediate family. I have learned to say “I cannot do _____________but I
can do _________.” A boundary without guilt.
I spent a
long time wishing I could find a gift I could use in the world and take me
outside myself and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine the gift I would
discover would be around being with the elderly at end of life………..
I hear often
: Oh I could never do that…..you are so great because you do that…….some people
when they learn about my gift look at me with “deer in the headlights’…….I’m
not any better than anyone else……..if you haven’t explored doors that open for you
to grow the gift that is inside you……which does NOT have to be the same gift
that I have…I believe you miss a grand opportunity to meet others where they
are and learn more about this journey we call LIFE!.....
As this OFF
ROAD TOPIC Beginning ends…………. I again thank my mom who has never been sure why
I do what I do …but I leave that for her to explore. The more secure I am in what path I am on the
more I hope to need the approval of others less. Yes I share this in hopes of
bringing new thoughts and ideas to ponder around our inevitable journey of death……but more so I hope to encourage everyone to find their
GIFT!...........for our gifts ARE important to us, for us and for others on our
path.
To Be
Continued……………………..
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