I think too much at times.....I know this......I know a lot about the good, bad and ugly of myself BUT I also have owned the good I possess and I have a great desire to live the good within myself more than allowing those learned childhood behaviors to rear their ugly heads.............I am more of a learned optimist. NO, that's not true...I"m completely a learned optimist. I continue to work at letting go of the poor coping skills that 'saved me' in a way growing up.but kept me in victim hood and negativity most of the time or at least in worry! The key to finding MY Optimism was to allow the real mirror as well as those who ARE my mirrors to remind me when I slip. I must work to be intentional about the choices I make so that I take a healthier, better, kinder more AWAKE me into my every day encounters. (I cannot wait till the optimism just naturally settles into my bones....and that 'extra flesh' that is wrapped around those bones!)
I don't know about you, but I often think "WOW I am cured of all my 'bad behaviors" when I'm out at the cabin by myself..or ..when I"m away from those who "push my buttons" . Do any of you have a "button pusher" in your life? Let me tell you, to become someone who doesn't allow their buttons to get pushed IS the way to keep healthy as well as you then become the MIRROR for those who SO want to push your buttons..(IF they want make that change) ....I know this BECAUSE.......JOE is that kind of person......HE does NOT allow his buttons to be pushed and I've tried every way known to "button pushers" and as they say "I got sick and tired of being sick and tired"..you reach the sick and tired place when you have no one falling for the 'button pushing' tactic! Hmmm .....and though I don't use this tactic as often now, when I do I am more willing to admit I'm "doing it again' and sometimes can even laugh at my insanity! That's the key.....laugh at ourselves.
Guess that good old 12 step saying: Resentment is like pouring acid on them and I rot really should be rewritten as: Resentment is pouring acid on society as a whole! we all go out with our resentments and pass the savings onto those in our path! NOT GOOD and I think we are reaping what we have been sowing in our society....
I continue to try to be better because I certainly KNOW better now! I have to say what I mean but don't say it mean! It took me a while to realize that if I was carrying a resentment for anyone.............even if I wasn't near or speaking with that person........I carried that resentful energy into EVERY situation in my day! EVERY SITUATION! YUK. Why would I want to do that?
I'm taking an online course by Brene Brown (Daring Greatly/Gifts of Imperfection) and she encourages us to live with a little discomfort in speaking up vs. living a life full of resentments because we are afraid to speak up.
I don't want to live the life of "that's the straw that broke the camels back" in detaching from relationships..........that method seemed to always cause my resentments/rehashing and anger to rear their ugly heads...........I need to address a problem as soon as possible when I feel that resentment starting to creep into my bones! I also have great respect for anyone who cares enough about someone else to share those difficult conversations..........it has such potential to deepen a relationship if both parties are willing to work at it OR it certainly shows me I'm in a relationship that just isn't healthy for me any more. If I keep raising something that is the same issue for me.....I'm the only one who has the power to change the situation by either letting it go and remaining in the situation or letting the relationship go............. I was close to behaving like 'the last straw' and am very grateful those most important to me 'put up with me' until I at least could agree that I was 'off my rocker' sometimes! and make a promise to them I would do better because I know better.I see also I've provided them with "homeschooling' around dealing with difficult people....and they ACED the class!
Let it begin with ME........and I encourage you to begin with YOU :) YOU ARE WORTH IT!
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MELODIE BEATTIE: March 27 Journey To The Heart Devotionals
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" resentments only hurt ourselves? Not true. Resentments can hurt others too.
When we brood and allow resentments to brew and fester we send negative, mean, hurtful , spiteful energy to others. The more consciously and vividly we do this, the more pain we can cause everyone. The more bonded we are with others , whether they're business associates, friends, lovers, or family members the more powerfully our resentments can impact them as well as us.
So if you are busy thinking (my emphasis) resentful thoughts about someone close to you on the job, home, consider the harm you are doing to him/ her. The more powerful the emotions connected to these thoughts and the closer you are to the person the more damage you can do.
You can sabotage the other person, help keep them down. When if you don't speak your resentments aloud even if you try to hide the way you feel, the energy is there in the air hurting both of you. Just as we focus on clearing the air we breathe of toxins we need to cleanse the air around us at work and at home from toxic fumes of resentment.
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